I really do feel bad for being so negative yesterday. I not only unloaded here, but I also opened wide the floodgates on my poor mom when she stopped by with a box of Cal Ben's Soap products and then again in an email to my unsuspecting little brother. I'm just lucky these people put up with me!
I know that when I allow my emotions (and my wild imagination) to get the best of me, I open the door to believe the worst and I make mountains out of molehills. I know there are countless childhood diseases that are much worse than what we are dealing with. Sam does really well during the day, when his natural cortisone levels are up. I am grateful for that. So far it has been the nights that are hard, and nights are when a mommy of 3 young children needs to be sleeping. The chronic lack of sleep does sometimes place my good judgement and ability to honestly and unemotionally asses the situation in serious jeopardy. We also have several other significant stressors in our lives right now that weigh on me and leach some of the energy and emotional reserve I might otherwise have for Sam. I tend to take way too much on myself and spread myself too thin, and sometimes that makes every difficult situation seem ten times more challenging than it probably needs to be.
Last night I sent out an email to family and a few friends requesting help to find some medical advice on what to do next for Sam. I received so many emails back, some with recommendations for a specific practice or specialist, some with encouraging words, some promising prayers. Yesterday I was feeling terribly alone in all of this - the hubs can't be much help because he works long hours in the busy season of his job and when he comes home is exhausted and does not really see or deal with Sam in the difficult hours of the night. I do not begrudge him that at all, I would rather he sleep because he needs to be on his game at work and I can sometimes squeeze in naps during the day if I really need one. (Am I the only mother who shamelessly uses Netflix to babysit my kids when I need a break!?) But as I was saying, I was feeling alone, and today after reading the emails, I feel lifted by the support and I'm sure the few prayers that have already been offered are reaching me and buoying me up today. Thank you. I also feel a greater sense of peace, much less frantic. I feel more peaceful that things will be okay and Heavenly Father is looking out for us. I am comforted to know that He cares about me and my trials, even if they might be small compared to the trials others face, He knows my heart and my personal weaknesses and flaws and understands my pain at seeing my child struggle. I also know that He sends other people into our lives to bless us sometimes, to help us feel His love and uses their hands as His own.