just BLAH.

I've super washed all of Sam's clothes, towels, bedding, and most of ours, at least 10 times per load already.  I have scoured our tub with soap, washed his body in it every night, rinsed well, dried well, followed by Aquaphor.   I've kept him in long pants and sleeves and socks up to his thighs for over a week now to keep him from rubbing extensively against the carpet.  His skin does not look any better. It looks worse. It itches insanely at night. It still looks like it did before the last course of steroids.  The last course of steroids did not even help much at all.

I still think soap is a good idea, if it doesn't solve Sam's eczema it can only help. A child with sick skin does not need harsh chemicals. So I'm not giving up soap. But I am beginning to wonder if I imagined the "incredible" results of our first "soap test".  Switching to soap has for sure improved the eczema on my hand 100%. It hasn't bothered me for over a week. So that's good. But I didn't do all of this for my little ol' hand. I wanted to see those results in Sam! Shouldn't we have seen even a little improvement by now?  I am beginning to wonder- did I see what I wanted to see when I checked Sam's legs a few hours after washing him with soap that first time? Because I have not been able to duplicate those results since, and I've done a lot of soap washing!!

I think when you have a sick child, you grasp on to any hope you can and hurl yourself at it full force- at least I do. You believe almost anything. Anything to give your mind even a shred of hope to pull you out of the despair and madness of not having an answer. I'm sure I've imagined many things that have not been real, in the name of hope and sanity. I know I've imagined Sam was looking better many times because of a certain diet we were doing, but looking back if I'm honest, it was really just the drugs.

Can't remember how many times now I have read something online about how some stranger I don't even know cured their kid of eczema, and I think, this is our answer! It makes perfect sense! That kid sounds just like Sam! I take hold, start preaching it everywhere I go, believe with all my might it will work and make everything better. I have to believe those things, its what keeps me going. Because all I want is for everything to be better! Actually right now I would take even a little bit better!  All I want is for my baby not to suffer anymore. All I want is to see some improvement, to have hope that will last more than a week or two. All I want is to stop feeling confused because every other week I happen upon a theory that is completely 180 degrees the opposite of what I previously believed or understood, but that apparently has "cured" enough people who are now urging me to go that way instead of the way I was going.

I am so tired, very nearly depressed, desperate for answers, and it feels like all my prayers are bouncing right off the ceiling. I have gone from feeling pretty confident a few days ago in what I was doing for Sam, to questioning everything and feeling incredibly unsettled and anxious. I am probably being overly dramatic, over anxious, and completely irrational, but who knew eczema and allergies could be so maddening!? I always thought this would be the least of ailments that could strike my child. Eczema is "just dry skin" right?  Just slap some moisturizer on it and it will get better. Allergies? Just keep them from the thing they are allergic to, right? No big deal!! Ha. No, this truly sucks (please forgive me, that is actually the worst my language gets, you know I am losing it when I say or type the word "sucks") and the worst part is that nobody seems to have answers. Sam's doctor and allergist are clearly just as confused as I am. "There is no reason for eczema!"  Eczema just IS.  Apparently.  It has increased by crazy numbers over the past several decades, there must be a reason, why hasn't anyone been able to figure this out yet!

So very sorry, innocent accosted readers. I wish I could say I'm not always this negative but that's kind of the personality battle I've been fighting my entire life. Negativity sure makes trials harder, I wish I could figure out how to be more optimistic! I really do try! I've resolved so many times to be a more positive person! Someone recently suggested to me that eczema is caused largely by stress and emotions, perhaps Sam is not getting better because I am constantly projecting my negative emotions onto him?? Who knows.

This all has been on the verge of spilling over all day long and what just happened is me unloading so I can get some sleep before Sam wakes up crying and scratching himself like mad.

Good night.